Tuesday, August 28, 2007

On Nickelback

This anecdotal review of Nickelback's Silver Side Up was written while I was interning at NOW magazine during my final year of high school. Nickelback might be the easiest target in all of modern rock. For that reason, they should be hit over and over again.

Silver Side Up by Nickelback (2001)
Rating: 1
Best Song: None

Susan Cole, the entertainment editor for NOW magazine, calls me over to her desk and makes me an offer I can’t refuse: “Make me a list of upcoming shows you’d like to see and I’ll let you review one of them.” I look through the latest edition of NOW and make my list. I mention Stereophonics, Charlatans UK, Rufus Wainwright, Alicia Keys, CSNY and for sucking up purposes, list Nickelback with the caption: “I don’t like this band but I’m willing to review them.” On my next visit to the office, music editor Tim Perlich informs me that he put me on the list for the Nickelback show. Lovely.

Doing my best to be an objective critic, I ask Tim for a copy of Nickelback’s latest CD, which he kindly provides for me. The concert was one of the most revealing experiences of my critical career, proving that most people have awful musical taste because all they did was jump around and cheer and say “these guys fucking rock.” I gave the concert 1 “N”.

This CD is awful and I could go on listing superlatives to denigrate this album but let’s avoid the cliches and talk the aesthetics of a rock band. For you see, Nickelback’s disgraceful appearance is just as band as their music. Vocalist Chad Groeger has a beard, the guitarist is bald and the bass player wore a cowboy hat. NO, NO and NO! And the drummer is blonde. Dear God, NO! Only singers are allowed to be blonde, and that’s only in special cases. It’s just wrong. Screw objectivity, I don’t give good grades to ugly bands. Except for Britney Spears, who is able to transcend her whore-like appearance with some of the most heartwrenching soul music since Otis Redding.

Reader Comments

Cole Bozman
that's the best thing I've read all week. though I think it should tell you a lesson about sucking up. (only do it when there's no risk involved) as for Nickelback, I've heard their song on the radio -- to me, they sound like a less-talented Bush, as impossible as that may sound...Cole

Steven Knowlton
What's wrong with beards? I remind you that none other than CHRISTOPHER CROSS wore a beard!!! The cowboy hat is simply unacceptable, unless they're playing in Alberta.


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